There were strange things happening in my house and I could feel that something happened to my family that I want to tell you about.
I live in a normal house, everything was okay and it was an ordinary day, I live with my family (7 people) which are my mum and dad which both of them are 42, 1st brother who is 15 (me), 2nd brother who is 10, my 1st sister who is 9, my 2nd sister who is 5 and my grandpa and my grandma which both of them are 72. We live near a wood.
We were going outside to play around the wood. Before going to the wood, everyone put their shoes on and ate their breakfast. Their mum said, “Finish your breakfast and you are going to play with your brother and sister in the wood for the rest of the day and you will enjoy it. Isn’t that right my dear?” “Yes mum”, I said. After that, we were in the wood and playing around. Suddenly, my sister fell in the hole and I was calling my mum and dad for help.
When I entered our house, no-body was there and I checked and checked and checked. The last room that I was going in is the basement. In the basement there was a hole like it happened to my sister when she fell in the hole. Then we were looking for the torches for us. I found three of them. ” I think that’s quite enough of them”, I said and we took it to the basement. We turned the torch on and then it was far deep. It was like to be even more deeper until the centre of the Earth. I had a good idea. “I have a good idea, lets go to the centre of the Earth”, I said. “But how do we going t jump to the hole without any protective object”, said my 2nd brother. “But if we jump to the hole, we are gonna die”, said my 2nd sister. “Oooooooooooooooh!” the ghost scaring them. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” All screamed. “Don’t be afraid of me. I am the ghost king of the underworld and I could take you there”, said the ghost king of the underworld. “Yes!” I said. We jumped to the hole and while I jumped to the hole I asked question. I said,” Have you seen my parents, my grandparents and my sister?” “Oooooooooooooh! Yes”, said the ghost king of the underworld. After that, we landed to the ground.
We saw my parents, my grandparents and my sister. “So is this a centre of the world?” I said. “Oooooooooooooh!! For a goodness sake! No! This is the ghost underworld”,said the ghost king of the underworld. “But when are we going to return to our home?” I said. “By midnight but if you don’t turn up to your home by midnight, you will be here forever”, the ghost king of the underworld said. “To return back to our home, you can fly”, my mum said. After all our chatting until midnight, I said,” What! Now it’s 5 to 12, we only have 5 minutes left until midnight.” And then we were flying to the real world. After that , we were back to normal and back in our normal house. “Where’s my dad?” I said. “I don’t know”, said my mum. “Boooo! Haaah! Haaaah! Haaaah!” Dad laughing. When it’s morning we had a great time and will never see any ghost in my normal house forever.
The End
February 26, 2015 at 5:29 pm
Wow, Sami, this is very effective and you have been really careful to manage the technical accuracy!
I like how your sentences are all different lengths which puts us in a good mood when we read. Readers enjoy seeing variety in their work and you have certainly given them that.
It is also effective how you have used speech and the different sounds that your characters make. Well done!
Be careful not to make people repeat themselves too much.
Overall I thought this was a good, chilling example of a mystery, which took the characters on a real journey.
Well done. I have decided that it has a few things which could be changed to unlock the achievement. Try starting a new line for each new speaker. Also make sure that your sentences all make sense, there are a couple which aren’t too clear.
If you do this you will unlock the Achievement.
March 23, 2015 at 10:07 am
Sammi,
You have not responded to my comments yet so I cannot award the Achievement 🙁